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Letting go

I seem to have written a lot about Abi's absence this summer, and I guess the realisation is dawning that I'm having to learn to let go of her as she is definitely growing up and needs us less, at least on the face of it.  Underneath all that bravado I appreciate she does still need me - when she manages to glace through the house for 5 minutes I might get a moment of connection with her, but they are few and far between and I find myself craving attention from her which is a bit pathetic really. The special moments are still there, where we curl up on her bed together and have a chat, or where she comes out of pre-teen mode for long enough to let me stroke her hair while she cuddles up to me, but they are fleeting and I have to grab them where I can. Given she has been home so little I also have to stop myself from feeling resentful that when she is with us I'm expected to drop all my plans to fit in with hers - it really is a confusing time for us all! It does help to talk about it - I'm certainly not alone and as Mum said, I was exactly the same - although I do feel she has grown up more quickly and is more independent than her friends. All that said if I look at it unemotionally it's not surprising. She would love to live at Mia's (she pretty much does) and who wouldn't at her age? Mia's Mum is a free spirit, the house is full of animals (literally), bed time is whenever you want and no one takes her phone off her when it's time to sleep. Compare that to our house where she is expected to get dressed at a sensible time, eat the food put in front of her when it's on offer and do her chores. Hmmm, which would you choose?! I hope the new school year will bring some much needed routine back but I suspect I have to accept that this is the new normal and if I get one or two good moments a week and she's still talking to me I'm doing an OK job.

While this is going on I'm acutely conscious that Izzy has not yet mentally disconnected from me and
therefore I'm making the most of every second of her unconditional, uncomplicated love and sunny nature (apart from yesterday when I made her go for a walk). She is soooo excited about starting her new school and arrived at my desk yesterday completely decked out in her new uniform, down to shoes, tights and colour-coded hair band! She has selected all the clubs she wants to do and is prepared to throw herself in wholeheartedly. This is contrast to Abi who hasn't yet unpacked her uniform from the bags it arrived in!  Izzy is taking it all very seriously and when I kissed her goodbye this morning I got a great big smile and a suggestion that she "stay in bed today Mummy so I'm completely rested for Thursday!" Nice try Izzy!!

Izzy has loved being the only child at home over the summer and is (and always has been) easy company to have around. While she has loads of friends, she doesn't really have a 'bestie' like Abi and so flits off to a variety of peoples houses but it's more a case of 'who is around' rather than a desperate need to be with one person. This suits me for the moment - it's going to be really hard when I feel I've lost the child in both children. Glenn on the other hand can't wait for them to move out so he can have the whole house to himself - men!! 

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