Freya

So I write this with tears pouring down my face as I get ready to take Freya to the vets for the last time. We've just had a long cuddle and she's looking at me with those big trusting eyes - as far as she is concerned it's a normal day and I'm the person who keeps her safe, protects her from the world and makes sure there is a steady supply of porridge every morning. My darling Freya - so sweet in the house but so anxious and volatile when out of it.

We've known this day has been coming for a while. We've had various run ins, all near misses because I've managed to hold her when we've met other dogs and she's gone nuts, but there are all the other things which I have tried to block out...

The most recent of which was her snapping at Izzy when she bent down to give her a cuddle. Freya was asleep admittedly, but even so. I made the excuse to myself that her legs had been a bit sore that day and so it's because she might have been in pain rather than just unpredictable, but there is no denying had she been a bit closer, she'd have drawn blood rather than just scratched Izzy's cheek. Then there is the fact that our cleaner is petrified of her and so spends 3/4 of her time upstairs (we have very clean bathrooms!) and then quickly dashes the duster around my study because that is generally where the dogs are when she comes. Or the fact that when I go away (which I have to do for work), Freya stops eating and loses all the hair on her head. I realise that I think twice (and three

times, and then once more) about holidays because I'm worried about who will have the dogs, and whether something will happen which we will have to hear about from afar. If I'm honest, we have stopped going away together because its easier if one of us is at home to manage her needs. I would love not to have to hide behind hedges and in people's drive ways when I walk and see another dog coming... or apologise and defend her behaviour again and again when she reacts to their perfectly behaved dog who has done nothing to warrant the torrent of doggie abuse she is giving them. I would love to go on holiday where I can have a dog with me - maybe even walk with friends and family and their dogs. Hey, I'd like to walk at home at an hour when other people are out rather than in the dark because I'm less likely to meet other dog walkers at 5am.

All this and yet I love her so much. In the house she is my soul mate. She sleeps on my feet when I'm working, tucked up under my desk in her favourite place. If I get up she comes with me, if I'm gardening she is there, keeping me company. I can't even go to the bathroom without her making sure I'm accompanied!

Who knows how she has ended up as this Jekyll and Hyde of a dog. Who knows what happened before we got her but what we know is we have to do something before we have a serious incident. The final straw was yesterday. Izzy and I took them out for an afternoon walk and Izzy was holding Bertie, me with Freya. We cam e around a corner, the dogs saw another dog, minding its own business, ahead of us on the road. Bertie (who has become a bit reactive himself, probably as he rarely gets to meet other dogs and if we do, Freya goes off on one) charged towards it, pulling his lead out of Izzy's hand. I tried to get him back and in doing so, Freya attacked this poor dog and actually bit it - latching on and not letting go. You could see why the breed was used for fighting. I had to put my hand in her mouth to get her off in the end. I had both dogs going nuts, Izzy in tears, the man and his dog looking at me in horror - so much for walking being my opportunity to relax from the stress and strains of the week. I could see how it could be different - I could have made sure I was holding both dogs - but it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens. Of course this means that now no-one wants to walk because of what might happen, and I don't want that.

It is the hardest decision to make. The hardest I've ever made. Time is ticking - we have to leave in 3  minutes. I can't believe I'm taking my baby out and I won't be bringing her back. I washed up her bowl this morning and put it back in it's normal place, despite knowing she won't need it tonight. Goodbye my sweet baby - we have loved you so much despite and because of all your foibles. We will all miss you so much, but me more than anyone.

So it's the end of the weekend and I thought I would add a post script to what is otherwise a very sad piece. Freya slipped away peacefully with her head on my knee while I cried a river and more of tears. I said my goodbyes and came home, a little piece of me gone with her. We went to bed yesterday missing the sound of her snores but knowing we had done the right thing, no matter how much it hurts. Today has been better, Bertie is very calm, unlike when we lost Scoobs. It was amazing to wake this morning at 7am and not have a momentary feeling of despair that we will be walking when others are out and about. Instead he and I had a lovely long walk, we met other people and dogs and there were no mishaps. This afternoon I walked in places where again there were other people and my normal 'worst walk of the week' because Sunday afternoons are always busy, was easy - again no mishaps or panic jumping behind the nearest hedge. The house feels different, she was such high energy, and I missed her when I was raking leaves - she used to love jumping in the leaf piles - but it was calmer. I think she affected more than even we realised. Every end is a new beginning, here's to a calmer period of canine parenting.